Me: Can I leave early?
Boss: Who died?
Me: No one yet
Boss: Get out
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
4: *opens door
Hi, is your mom home?
4: she’s in the tower
mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”
You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!