Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.