me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You got this…
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what