@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

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@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@CalebTenenbaum

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

@Brianhopecomedy

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

@jackiembouvier

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@Reverend_Scott

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

@nbadag

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

@chellemybell22

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!