How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right
[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!