@Browtweaten

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

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@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@shkeeber

Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola

@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

@junejuly12

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

@MomOnFire

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

@SoulYodeler

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

@munkayc

Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..