IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..