me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one