@stephenjmolloy

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

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@DomesticGoddss

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@ThugRaccoons

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

@ericsshadow

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@markleggett

Buy a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

@JamieGreenlees

The internet has literally everything you need. Except a hairdresser with 2 metre long arms. Not that.

@ediblemousefeet

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

@joejwest

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t