I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Buy a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
The internet has literally everything you need. Except a hairdresser with 2 metre long arms. Not that.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t