me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
So, can we agree on 4 or
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
dude it’s called proctologist
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions