@RandySmithWhat

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*

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@fro_vo

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

@wumother

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

@hythemafia

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@robfee

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

@rodgernash

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.