me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters
9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”