@RandySmithWhat

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*

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@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@tayandmae

9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

@Ristolable

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

@UnFitz

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

@heymermaid

Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@JohnLyonTweets

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@BlindVigil

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”