Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet