me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

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KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever


[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!


me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals


We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.


People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.


People constantly ask why I don’t add pictures of myself to my account. So here I am. I’m the one at the back.


Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?


The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?


You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.