Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Karma: Do you believe in me?
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?