Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
LOL!