@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

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@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

@GrantTanaka

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@Donna_McCoy

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

@berikerimeri

Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?