me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”