me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.