Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Pigeon open mic night.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
your honor my client chooses dare
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.