I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Body by sandwich.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The pen is writier than the sword.