Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine