Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
Step kids?
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”

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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000


Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )


Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U


Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.


The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.


I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.


complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories


I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.