[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me: Are these your kids?
She’s cheating on you..
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Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.