Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Woke up against my better judgement again
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes