Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Best mom ever 😂
Thursday Thought.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.