ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I can’t be the only one 😂
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have