ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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Hell yeah 👍
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.