me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Found the job I’m suited for
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
You make me want to be a better home and garden.