@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

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@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@cstanleyrun

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@DebraMuffin

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@LogicLaughs

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon