ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?


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My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*


I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.


No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.


That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.


Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work


My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no


I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon