ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
You Might Also Like
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
For the orator and chef in all of us
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed