me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.