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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.


I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.


grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not


Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo


Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?


[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*


Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.



Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.


If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons


Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave