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@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

@TheHyyyype

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@StewieTea2

Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?

@AnkCoupleTO

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@iRowlf

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

@yonewt

If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons

@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave