me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You Might Also Like
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….