me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
screw you
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.