Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.