Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
Me: Are you mad at me?
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Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]