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@dadopotamus: Me: Are you mad at me?
@connorhannigan4: *home for Christmas break*
Parents: “How did the classes go this semester?”
Student: “So that’s what we’re doing for the holidays? We’re gonna fight?”
@Loli_Sug: They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.
@BGH70: Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
@OkieGirl405: This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I'm pretending to add it to my contacts
@skittle624: Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.