@dadopotamus

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

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@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@iDontWannaBeYhu

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

@1_swarthy_dude

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

@CoreyKeyz

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

@electrolemon

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”

@rolldiggity

Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]