Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
#SaturdayBears
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.