My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.