@4handfuls
My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
@Mirimade
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
You Might Also Like
@4handfuls
@TheCatWhisprer
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
@LuvPug
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
@travisauruss
Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.
@HeyZeus666
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
@daemonic3
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
@OtherDanOBrien
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@Christweetpher_
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
@nathanwpyle
@runawaycupcake
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.