@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

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@4handfuls

My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…

@TheCatWhisprer

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

@LuvPug

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

@travisauruss

Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.

@HeyZeus666

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.

@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

@OtherDanOBrien

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged