
My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.