Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.