Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!

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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.


My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.


Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.


Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.


I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.


F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,


the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus


1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me