I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!
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My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus
1985: call me on the new line in my room
2000: call me on my mobile flip phone
2015: don’t call me