@TheAlexNevil

Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
7:
M:
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!

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@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@WalkingOutside

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

@metickleu

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

@MarloMeekins

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

@mutablejoe

the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus

@ericsshadow

1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me