Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Just say no