If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.