Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
WIFE: You fell down the stairs