Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You Might Also Like
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad