@FatherWithTwins

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

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@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@ibid78

When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.

@PaulyPeligroso

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes