So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
i will not be silenced
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”