ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.