me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I would move hell over six inches for you
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Girl, same.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”