[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
You Might Also Like
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
can’t bark with your mouth full
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks