[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.