(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out