me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?