me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”


I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.


how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now


Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either


Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.


You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.


me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”