me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
How to wake up a Beagle
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀