me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time