me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
The best shot in the history of golf
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.