[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*

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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle


Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.


My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.


I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”


911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza


I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest


Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?