@trojansauce

[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*

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@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@iamspacegirl

[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@bornmiserable

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

@meghaffer

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.