I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
thank god the sign was there
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Received some very disappointing news today
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*