me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?