Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Breaking news:
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
very niche meme I made
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!