ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”