Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now


ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?


Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape


grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no


My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.


“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”


Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.


I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”