Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!