no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars