@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

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@Shock_Monster

Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.

Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.

@BuddyLieras

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

@JasonLastname

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@ClichedOut

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@clemdytan

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

@iAmDelFreaky

If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.

“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!

“Good morning.” FIRE!