Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

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Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.

Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.


I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.


Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.


My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.


My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.


If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.

“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!

“Good morning.” FIRE!