@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

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@hippieswordfish

COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close

@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@Divergentmama

Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ

@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@_Kim_Jongun

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@Daveastated

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.