COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Which side of the plate does the phone go on?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?
Me: no, who?
Son: Reese something
Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha
Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.