[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.