@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

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@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

@BigHern

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

@70Ceeks

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

@donttouchjames

detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer

me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway

detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead