DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*
HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer
me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway
detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead